Dad…. Why?

That’s a question I’ve always asked myself, at least when I was old enough to understand that what you did was not right, was not love. That a dad was not supposed to do what you did to me. How could you break my faith in you? In myself?

How could you kill my innocence?

Somehow at the time, I felt it was wrong, but… You were so respected, so feared, did good to so many people…

Maybe… I was wrong? Maybe that’s how every dad shows is love to their daughter?

After all I was your favourite child, right?

I wanted to scream, but no sound came out.

Wanted to ask for help to; mom, to my sister, even my brother.

Wanted to ask, why?

But wasn’t able to…

Who would believe me?

What if they rejected me?

After all, i was the outsider, the attached part, the adopted one, the ‘paper child’ like my aunt spitted at me.

I wanted to ask why?

Why do I feel so bad, so sad, so scared.

Scared to be rejected, to be doubted, to be the one who dared too…

I wanted to speak, but I had to stay in place. Continue to be the good girl; go to school, have good grades, do my house chores, but before all, shut my mouth, stay in line.

Stay in line and be a good girl…

‘Be a good girl’… those were the words you usually mumbled in the stench of your alcoholic breathe…

That breathe… that weight, that pain…

I wanted to scream, but nothing came out, only tears, stupid tears.

Felt so weak, so alone.

Surrounded by people but still alone.

I wanted to talk… God knows how many times I tried; every time I had the chance to be alone with you mom, remember? When we were cooking?

I tried, again and again, but… nothing. Just stupid tears. Felt so angry.

Angry at myself, but mostly at you mom.

Why?

Why didn’t you see?

Why didn’t you feel it?

Why didn’t you protect me?

Weren’t you supposed to be an indomitable lioness?

Weren’t you supposed to protect me at any cost?

Maybe… I wasn’t worth it?

Why?

Did you not notice that he would always call downstairs when he came back late and drunk?

Did you not notice that I hated my body? That I started covering myself?

Did you not notice that I stopped smiling? Stopped laughing?

Maybe…

Maybe you knew?

Maybe the greater good was more important?

Maybe the family reputation was more important?

Maybe the  financial comfort of the family was more  important?

Maybe you wanted me to…

Stay in line and be a good girl.